Passive-aggressiveness is a form of communication that can be quite easily recognized: there is a discrepancy between what your interlocutor says and what he or she means to say. One experiences it as irony, mean jokes, sarcasm. Concealed behind this comic, calm and detached mask, passive-aggressiveness is hard to counter because you can’t hold anything against the person using it, there is nothing to cling to in order to fight back. And ifyou try, you will often get the reply `it was just a joke, what’s your problem? I didn’t do anything to you! ` or `it was a joke, you’re pretty touchy…`
Hence its perverse nature: on the surface it may pass as harmless, but the underlyingmessage is critical, laden with reproach and bound to make you feel guilty! I say that it is perverse because the passive-aggressive don’t act out with their `weapons` in plain sight as is the case with aggressive communication. In this latter case you at least know what you are attacked with, in other words the fight is explicit, open, visible (someone is accusing you of something in particular), thus giving you the occasion to choose how you can retaliate!
Passive-aggressive communication is very often used in the family, be it family of origin, or nuclear family (as a result of marriage). The person displaying such behavior feels anger, frustration and the need to blame, but avoids taking responsibility for it. They don’t want to deal with the consequences, but to evade a confrontation with you. And you fall in this trap and feel captive: you are speechless in the face of irony, you are confused about what is happening (after all, there was no shouting, no insults or accusations), but you feel guilty and you have to deal with that.